External Vs Internal Validation
So far, we have discussed the aspects of leadership and coming out of chaos into Calm. Leadership is all about connection and service and calm is all about our feeling of clam despite the experiences or events that are going on around us.
This post is about the mechanics of how to create connection and calm.
I intend in this blog to outline a process for how to become a leader in amongst chaos and remaining calm in the process.
What do I mean about internal and external focus?
This is a point throughout my personal development that has caused me a fair bit of confusion.
You see on one hand I have always been aware that community service was the path to feeling good and that still remains to this day. It is universal law that has us endeavour to serve others and grow our soul in the process.
So isn’t external focus good then?
Well of course it is, but not at the expense of internal exploration, and taking responsibility for one’s own feelings and state of being.
So, for me in my story what happened as part of my confusion was that I was feeling inadequate and unlovable at a deep level and as a context to how I viewed my life. So, what I did was to go out and serve others in hope to gain their validation and thus change the feeling for me from unlovable to loveable.
In essence this is a fool’s errand. Why?
Because long lasting and true validation can only come from one space and that is from within. A person needs to find it within themselves to feel it long term. If I seek this externally which I did for the majority of my life either from my parents, my siblings, my friends, my boss, my life partner or my teachers / mentors, then it is only there whilst the person or activity that provided that validation remains in contact with me. Once gone I may experience some fleeting moments of validation when remembering the events or exchanges created within these moments but that is called Nostalgia.
Worse still if I seek validation from any of these people and they do not provide it to me in the manner that I need it, then I am in deep trouble. You see my father in his eyes was providing me with the discipline he felt was required for me to become a good man and leader. ( to which some would say he succeeded) I of course was looking for a different version of connection from my Father, to what he supplied and as such his validation did not meet my required expectations. This is what I mean by the fact that I am responsible for 100% of everything that turns up in my life. You see once the pattern was established within my upbringing of punishment for doing wrong or the withdrawal of communication then I would produce behaviour that would illicit the beatings because for me this was better than not being spoken to.
So, once I drew a connection to this it was actually easy for me to see that I created the moments that led to the punishment that I received. In fact, I know that I am a rebel deep in my soul and that I do not like any establishment and as soon as I am told to do anything, I will normally react with doing the exact opposite. So it is no miracle l that I attracted a disciplinarian for a father to teach me the lessons of being pliable and learning the traits of working within a team.
So, in my case my need for external validation led me to provoke my father’s reactions. Now as an adult I sought connection and validation a different way, I would go out and create an atmosphere of connection. This occurred as a trademark of my business and personal relationships, coaching and my rite of passage programs. I would provide an environment where all of the participants be it family workers, kids, or parents felt safe to be themselves around me thus developing trust. The issue arises when I need them to commend me for that effort. In fact, I would get frustrated when it did not come. This then led to resentment or an argument etc.
How Do We Break The External Cycle For An Internal Exploration To Occur?
To break the cycle takes:
- Awareness / through Curiosity
- Vulnerability
- Discipline
- Courage
- Guidance
You see internal exploration starts with knowing there is a problem in the first place. How do I get to recognise that?
The answer to that question is in the way it feels. But to get to how it feels I need to become vulnerable and sit in the feeling without pushing it down into the deep recesses of my soul. (this is evident when you ask a person how they feel, and they are unable to describe a feeling like Sad Mad Glad Happy etc.) So, if what I am doing feels good then I am on purpose with my internal value system, or in other terms I am aligned to who I am as a being.
If what I am doing feels sad angry or frustrated or undervalues etc. then I am misaligned with who I am as a being. And it is not the doing that matters nor the validation from others that make the difference it is our need to do these things to make us feel better.
In my case, I became addicted to the doing so that I could feel better on a daily basis. And that was required because I held a deep belief that I was unlovable. In our “Metamorphosis Process” we call this the Fundamental Operating Context which is that “I am not enough”
When I come from a context of, ‘I am not enough’ then this is the part that is directly misaligned to our greater knowing which is actually that we are more powerful and creative than we could ever believe.
Once we have become aware and vulnerable then we are charged to become disciplined to the rigors of continuous self-analysis. Because it takes time and continuous effort to rewrite the scripting of an entire lifetime.
Courage is required because particularly when we start this can be painful, it brings up wounds from the past but if these are left undealt with these can become festering illnesses like cancer. So I say the short-term pain of delving into one’s issues is a far cry from the potentially life-ending ramifications of an illness like cancer.
The final point is Guidance.
It was once said that practice makes perfect. But this is not the case of “perfect practice” makes perfect. You see if I attempt to address these any of this without guidance then there will be some benefit but it will soon peter out and I as an individual may lose hope and thus stop the pursuit of this great endeavour particularly when the going gets tough.
So, I hope that you have found some guidance and understanding to the differences between internal and external validation and some tools on how to start your journey.
Why Wait to Start Your Journey
Learning the difference between “External” and “Internal” validation is a powerful step forward. Together we can help you shift those patterns and find greater peace of mind.
