The Perpetual Battle – Control vs Acceptance
In my work and also when I look around at my social and family circle I am reminded of the perpetual battle of Control and Acceptance.
The beauty of the events of 2020 Covid 19 and Economic shutdown is that it brought to the surface the discussion. It sounds like this:
- I am feeling like there is no use in planning.
- It’s really frustrating everything I plan can’t be realised because the situation is changing so fast.
- I wish we could get back to normal.
- I’m feeling like sh#t stressed out of control.
Life Is But An Illusion
We have been living in an illusion that we hold control over our environment and our circumstances. This situation has not only brought into sharp focus our relationship to the greater force of mother nature but in addition to this it has brought our awareness that with one decision a government or in this case the worlds governments can dramatically change our living conditions in an instant. (now I am not here to debate whether the actions or reactions of government are right or wrong because to do so would be an exercise in futility there is literally nothing we can do, (believe me I went down that road) but I am here to discuss the far larger illusion of our lives and that is control.
Now when this subject is usually raised the typical response is “what are you telling me I should just give up?” this is traditionally what we hear when we hear the word acceptance. But no this is not acceptance this is giving up.
Acceptance is a far greater and much harder concept to live up to. It requires discipline, diligence and awareness. These are traits that take effort and time to develop (well that is my experience anyway) acceptance is looking at a situation for what it is and not judging it to be good nor bad. It is about seeking the learning in every situation as it is presented rather than as we would want it presented. You see when we live in the illusion of control, we believe things are good or bad because they do not meet our projected or assumed framework of how we want them to show up. I am reminded of the Rolling Stones Lyrics “you can’t always get what you want, but you’ll find sometimes you’ll get what you need.”
What the hell does this mean? It means we get to control 3 things and only 3 things in our life:
- Thoughts
- Emotions
- Actions or reactions
We apply discipline when we see an event for just that an event not bad not good just is and then control what we think about the situation. Case study
If I looked at the pandemic and the economic situation as a bad event, then I would be most likely filled with fear and panic. (hence bulk buying of flour sugar Pasta toilet rolls etc)
If I was to see it as a good event I might be led to delusions of grandeur or retribution complex like it serves the world right for ignoring natural law.
If I see it as neutral, I then look for the lessons in it for myself and nothing or no-one else. It is just here to teach me about myself. This is where discipline, diligence and awareness come into it and you need all 3 of these attributes, one is not enough.
The Holy Trinity
You see if you had awareness by itself then you may not be disciplined to the rigors of the lessons inherent in every situation. If I only held diligence I might be subject to the continuous looking for an event without realising that this in itself is the event, and if I just had discipline this might look like a captain steering a ship with out the rudder of Awareness.
So why do we focus on control?
I feel this is because it allows us to feel comfortable. The only issue is we are trying to control the things that we can’t I.e. external things. We have not been trained to focus on ourselves in fact quite the opposite. We have been trained by the pervasive paradigm of the ages to feel like we are in a drama triangle. Where there are 3 main characters
- A victim
- A persecutor
- A Rescuer
Once we fall into the triangle, we gain a level of certainty, but it leaves us in a constant battle for control. We are certain of the role we are filling at the time (now that does not mean we are aware of the role but we are certain.)
We then generate feelings base on what ever role we are playing at the time ie. If I am playing the victim I might be feeling sad that might transfer into depression, if I am the Persecutor then I might be feeling anger and if I am the rescuer I might be feeling happiness or a sense of purpose. The cycle here is that those feelings are temporary, leading us into a state of constant motion seeking one or more of them out, thus perpetuating the triangle over and over again. This is how our western world works.
A Case Study – Covid19 Pandemic
There were calls for an international investigation into the source of the pandemic. You see we feel like we are victims to the pandemic and as such we are now looking for the persecutor
By calling for the investigation we have transcended out of the victim state and are now looking to lead the charge to be the rescuer.
My question here is for what purpose? If we do find the origins of the Pandemic we might learn something but make no mistake this investigation is not about learning it is about attributing blame so that we can feel certain about our victimhood.
This has led to an escalation of poor relations between western countries and China that is producing tension all through the pacific. This has escalated tensions in other areas of the world as the example of persecution continues to grow. The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result. We as humans have not learnt the lessons of centuries of wars and conflict.
On the other hand if we were looking to determine what this event could literally teach us about ourselves then we would see that we have learnt about connection to our families, we could see that our hectic and disconnected lives are not serving us and in fact we are now even more disappointed because we know that there could be a different way to experience life
Why Waste Energy On An Investigation?
The result of finding out the source which will most likely never truly happen won’t change a thing about how we experienced the event.
We will hear it is so we don’t repeat the situation saving humanity from the next pandemic. But in reality it is so we can exact vengeance in what ever form we feel is necessary, only engaging the enemy (in this case the Chinese) in a defensive reaction which will lead to further instability and uncertainty.
All because we feel we have been the victims. And we would prefer the feeling of being in control and persecuting those that we perceived to have hurt us
Now for mine this is not a powerful place to be in it might be popular, but it is certainly not powerful, and it is not going to deliver the control we are seeking. The only way we get to a place of control is to accept that his has happened learn the lessons from the event for our own personal lives and move onto the next event that is bound to turn up without the need to persecute anyone or any nation for the current situation.
The Results?
A feeling of calm will descend and the posturing from both sides would stop. But that will take a great shift in awareness of this drama triangle and the three roles. And then from that awareness a huge amount of discipline to understand where we are standing and a different set of decisions to change the ultimate outcomes.
Why Wait to Start Your Journey
Learning to master the perpetual battle between “Control” and “Acceptance” is a powerful step forward. Together we can help you shift those patterns and find greater peace of mind.
